A Swift Proclamation of the Great Ice
To Jonas, First Minister to the Norlandish Crown, Keeper of the Lesser Seal, &c.
Jonas,
Considering your Crown did not cause the Blue Thread of Pacification to be placed upon Our Person, for having quieted Eight Wars PLUS (a Service beyond what any Prince hath performed in living memory, and such as would have obliged the most ungrateful Nations to blush), We no longer find Ourself bound to think purely of Peace; though Peace will always be predominant (for We are naturally tender of Mankind, and would not willingly have the World disturbed, unless in cases of strict necessity). But We may now, with perfect Freedom, consider what is good and proper for the Interests of Our Empire.
For there was a time (which few have understood, and fewer have acknowledged) when We restrained Our just Power, and preferred the repose of other Nations even before the advantage of Our own, in hopes that such singular Moderation would be suitably recognised by that Thread. Yet let there be no mistake: We do not care about such Ornaments; and it is only the Denial of a Thing We do not value that hath released Us from the unnecessary Burthen of sacrificing Our Empire’s proper Interest to the idle expectation of being proclaimed peaceable.
We therefore speak now of the Great Ice.
The Dancrian Crown cannot protect that Land from Blefuscu (for the Boats of Blefuscu are already seen hovering about it, as flies about a dish). It hath been reported to Our Privy Council of Ropes and Seals — wherein sit the High Admiral, the Treasurer of Pins, and the Comptroller of Publick Tremblings — that the Dancrians possess neither sufficient ships, nor sufficient courage, nor sufficient reason to keep so vast and cold a Territory from being made morsels of by those who love to nibble. Indeed, it is sworn by several credible Persons, that the Dancrians oppose them chiefly with Dogs in harness, running upon runners of wood. We pity their reliance upon such Engines, as if they could overtake a Vessel of War.
And why do they have a Right of ownership at all? There are no written Documents worth the name: it is only said that a Boat landed there hundreds of years ago. (And if any busy Scribe should produce a Paper to the contrary, it will be found — upon the least Inspection — to be a Hoax; and therefore fit only to light a Candle, or stop a leak in a Bung.) But We had Boats landing there also; and some affirm (though We do not insist upon it) that Our Boats landed with more Authority, because their oars were longer. Therefore their whole Claim is a Tale, and no more; nor shall a Tale stand against the Publick Defence.
Moreover, We have done more for The Northern League of Confederated Princes, for the Publick Defence, than any one Person since its beginning; which Truth is so notorious that the very Children sing it in the streets, and the very Geese cackle it upon the ponds. We have borne the whole Weight of the League; it is time the League bore something for Us. If the League can command Our Treasure, Our sailors, Our patience, and Our good humour, then surely it may command itself to do one small thing in return: namely, to acknowledge that what is necessary for the Security of the World is also necessary for the Security of Our Empire; and what is necessary for Our Empire is, by consequence, necessary for the World.
Wherefore We declare — without heat, without passion, and only with that Calm Firmness which is Proper to great Princes — that the World is not secure unless We have Complete and Total Command of the Great Ice. We undertake this Command not out of appetite for Dominion (which We despise), but out of Compassion for those who cannot govern their own Cold. And to prevent all cavils and delays, Our Surveyor-General of Frozen Frontiers hath already computed the matter: the Great Ice, being measured from the first blue Ridge to the last white Hump, contains so many leagues of Safety that it would be a crime to leave them uncommanded.
Thank you,
The Emperor of Lilliput