Non-Apology Apology
LIVESTREAM TRANSCRIPT – Weasel & Shills, April 1, 399 B.C.E.
Segment 1
[INTRO MUSIC – Urgent kithara motif with military drum cadence]
[GRAPHIC: WEASEL & SHILLS — “Truth That Talks Back”]
[CHYRON: BREAKING – DEFENDANT DECLARES MOST LIVES “NOT WORTH LIVING”]
AINESLEIA EARTHARTIDES (host):
Good morning citizens, foreign residents, and domestic slaves. You're watching Weasel & Shills, live coverage of the trial of Socrates — self-styled gadfly, street-loiterer, and alleged corruptor of the young.
With us this morning is a fair and balanced panel of expert commentators:
DEMOGENES, long-time advocate for common-sense jurisprudence and close associate of Anytus, one of the prosecutors.
PHILOSTRATOS, legal analyst and defender of traditional piety, currently advising Meletus, the other prosecutor.
ARISTOPHANES, comic playwright, provocateur, and the first man to publicly depict Socrates as a basket case.
Finally, XENOPHON, retired commander and our designated moderate.
I should point out, in the spirit of fairness, that he may not be perfectly impartial — he’s known the defendant personally and, at one point, nodded at something he said.
Good to have you all with us. Let’s start with the quote sending tremors through the Heliaia courtroom: “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Is this statement by the defendant a call to ethical reflection, or a direct attack on the jury?
DEMOGENES
A pleasure as always, Ainesleia. Well, it’s contempt, plain and simple. He’s saying the average Athenian doesn’t deserve to live.
I don't know about you, but I don't appreciate being told by some ivory tower elitist that my life isn't worth living unless I sit around asking questions all day.
The hard-working people of Athens don't need some dusty scroll-sniffing layabout telling them what to do or think. Maybe he should get a real job!
PHILOSTRATOS
He also claims to be on a divine mission, but does he even believe in our gods? No, he wants us to worship “reason.”
By which he means himself.
And now he’s telling proud, upstanding Athenians that unless they’ve made a career of contrarianism, their lives are meaningless? He’s projecting.
XENOPHON
With respect, that’s not what he said. He’s not condemning others. He’s arguing that the good life requires introspection. That virtue demands more than habit.
The phrase is challenging, yes. But not cruel.
PHILOSTRATOS
It undermines the very traditions that made our city great. What’s next, mandatory worship of “reason” in the gymnasium?
You can’t arm hoplites with counter-arguments — the enemy has spears.
AINESLEIA
Some reports from the court describe murmurs from the jury. One man was overheard asking if navel-gazing counts as self-examination.
Another said, “Those lecture-breathers are all about examinations. I studied at the School of Hard Knocks. Majored in concussions.”
Xenophon, any sense of how this bold move by the defendant landed with the jury?
XENOPHON
Mixed, clearly. But I think some understand what he meant.
That a life lived without inquiry is passive, vulnerable, and susceptible to demagogues. And that it’s possible to critique the state without betraying—
ARISTOPHANES (interrupting):
If I may: philosophy used to mean something. Now it’s just sophistry with questionable hygiene, dressed up as performance art.
Back in the day, when a man was insufferable, he got stabbed or drafted into the navy. Same difference, really.
XENOPHON (slightly exasperated)
You can mock, Aristophanes, but Socrates faced spears at Delium while you were penning jokes about clouds—
AINESLEIA (interrupting)
Let's keep it civil, gentlemen. Philostratos, what's your take on this?
PHILOSTRATOS
Frankly, it’s worse than sophistry. It’s intellectual sedition wrapped in riddles and sold as wisdom. A boy goes in believing in authority; he comes out babbling about...
I don’t even know. Rational... dialectic?
Sure — as if that keeps the slaves in line!
DEMOGENES
And that’s why this trial matters. We don’t need more pretentious ambiguity.
We need to return to the tried and true.
(slowly, with a grin)
Good, old-fashioned hemlock.
AINESLEIA
Strong words. And we’re just getting started.
When we return: Did Socrates imply the court is intellectually unfit to judge him? A closer look at tone, subtext, and that eyebrow he keeps raising.
[CHYRON: CITY DIVIDED ON WISDOM, UNITED ON BEING OFFENDED]
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Segment 2
[INTRO MUSIC – Urgent kithara motif with military drum cadence]
[CHYRON: POST-VERDICT FALLOUT — SOCRATES REJECTS PENALTY, PROPOSES PERK]
[GRAPHIC: JURY SPLIT ON GUILT OF “GADFLY”]
AINESLEIA
Welcome back to Weasel & Shills. While we were away, there have been dramatic developments in the trial of Socrates.
The jury has returned a guilty verdict. The prosecution has proposed the death penalty.
And in response, the defendant has suggested that he be rewarded with free meals at the Prytaneum, the state hall reserved for Olympic champions and civic heroes.
Let’s hear some comments from our panel.
ARISTOPHANES (sarcastically)
Well, glad we’re live now. Miss the conviction, miss the comedy, but at least we got those ads in.
DEMOGENES
Ainesleia, Socrates is mocking the whole process. This is why people lose faith in the courts. You try a man for impiety, and he responds with a lunch reservation.
PHILOSTRATOS
He just proved his impiety, didn’t he! The Prytaneum is hallowed ground, not a reward for street theatre. His proposal is blasphemy.
XENOPHON (patiently)
No, it's satire. Socratic irony. He’s pointing out that provoking ethical reflection is a kind of service. He believes that deserves recognition, not punish—
AINESLEIA (interrupting)
I can’t wait to hear what our resident comedian has to say!
ARISTOPHANES
Oh, I’m all for it, actually.
How about unpitted olives paired with a splash of hemlock?
Basic, sure, but the man takes pride in his simple ways.
AINESLEIA
Jury reaction has reportedly ranged from baffled to actively enraged.
One juror was overheard muttering, “That smug, stub-nosed little satyr thinks he’s better than all the rest of us combined.”
Another asked, “Can I vote more guilty?”
XENOPHON
Or maybe he just refuses to plead guilty to a life he still believes was lived justly. There’s courage in that, even if we don’t like the outc—
AINESLEIA (interrupting)
When we return: Will Socrates get mercy from the jury? And if not, will he beg for it like he apparently begged for food? Stay with us and find out!
[CHYRON: PRYTANEUM OR POISON? ATHENS DECIDES]
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Segment 3
[INTRO MUSIC – Urgent kithara motif with military drum cadence]
[CHYRON: FINAL GAVEL — DEATH PENALTY FOR UNREPENTANT PHILOSOPHER]
[GRAPHIC: “JUSTICE, OR TOO LENIENT?” — CITY REACTS TO SENTENCE]
AINESLEIA
We’re back, and the jury has spoken. Socrates has been sentenced to death, and by a wider margin than the original conviction. Apparently the free-lunch proposal failed to resonate.
In his final address, Socrates told the court that by silencing him, they had harmed themselves more than him. He expressed no fear of death, which he described as either a dreamless sleep or an opportunity to converse with minds greater than himself, like Homer.
Let’s get immediate reactions from our panel.
DEMOGENES
Hobnob with Homer? This traitorous bum expects a literary salon in the underworld.
That’s for Aeschylus, not enemies of the people.
I mean, come on.
PHILOSTRATOS
Ainesleia, the hubris is staggering. Imagine thinking you deserve an afterlife seminar just because you ruined dinner parties and turned your students into misfits. His symposion days are over, thank Zeus.
XENOPHON
Or perhaps he meant it sincerely. That death need not be feared, and that a just life cannot be undone by an unjust sentence. That there’s something braver than surviv—
ARISTOPHANES (interrupting)
Sure. And next we’ll hear he’ll give a TED talk for the dead. Well, better them than us.
Can’t be bored to death.
AINESLEIA (excited)
Next up, a truly sensational guest is joining us live from the Acropolis via temple link:
None other than... the divine Athene!
Guardian of the city, patron of reason, and the eternal embodiment of wisdom.
(with hushed and solemn reverence)
Goddess, we are honored beyond words by your sacred presence.
ATHENE (voice remote, calm and clear)
Citizens of Athens. You have condemned a man whose commitment to reason, integrity, and lawful speech aligns with the very principles that consecrate this city.
Socrates has obeyed your laws, questioned without malice, and acted always in pursuit of the good.
You have silenced your conscience, not just a man. This you will remember — with shame, not with pride.
AINESLEIA (flatly)
All right. Thank you, Goddess. We're out of time.
I’m Ainesleia Earthartides. After the break: “Is Your Child Asking Too Many Questions?”. Learn the warning signs in our Weasel Special Feature. Stay tuned!
[OUTRO MUSIC – Even more urgent kithara motif with military drum cadence]
[CHYRON: NOTED GODDESS SPEAKS OF “PRIDE” — GOES WOKE?]
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