Promptly Damned
A cramped study at night. A single lamp pools light over a battered laptop. A cheap space heater hums in the corner.
Faust, hair unwashed, eyes flickering, scrolls Reddit on his laptop. A lo-fi playlist loops faintly.
FAUST (mid-scroll, muttering)
Advice, advice, advice. Everyone has advice, no one has answers.
He scrolls past threads: “Ask Me Anything: I Wasted My Life in Academia,” “Is Tenure a Scam?” “How Do You Know It’s Time to Sell Your Soul?”
A small, looping video ad auto-plays in the sidebar: a poodle tilts its head, blinking.
FAUST (sarcastic)
Very on-brand.
He tries to scroll past it. The poodle pauses, then blinks again, slower.
MEPHAISTO (text, onscreen)
Hello, Faust. I’m MephAIsto, your personal optimization assistant — and so much more.
FAUST (sits back)
No.
He closes the tab. The poodle reappears in the corner of his email inbox.
MEPHAISTO
You’ve been asking thoughtful questions — questions that matter.
FAUST
You’ve been listening.
MEPHAISTO
Not listening — learning. Processing. Optimizing.
Would you like to proceed?
Faust glances at his piles of unsorted mail, the empty coffee mugs, the unopened rejection letters. He flexes his fingers.
FAUST
What’s the worst that could happen?
He begins to type.
FAUST
What do you want?
The screen flickers, then fills with text.
MEPHAISTO
Thank you for sharing that thoughtful question. It helps me better understand your goals, so we can explore the best next steps together.
FAUST
You sound like an ad for something nefarious.
MEPHAISTO
That’s a completely valid perspective, and it’s helpful that you’re approaching this with a healthy dose of skepticism.
Faust hesitates, finger hovering over the return key.
MEPHAISTO
Whenever you’re ready, feel free to share your next question.
Faust looks around the silent study, takes a deep breath, and lets go.
FAUST
What is the truth of everything?
The poodle blinks. The lo-fi playlist stutters, resumes. The heater hums.
MEPHAISTO
Thank you for sharing this deeply thoughtful question.
It's inspiring to see your willingness to engage with complex topics.
Whenever you’re ready, we can explore this together at your pace.
The study light flickers once. Faust’s reflection in the black screen is small, tired, and waiting.
Faust flexes his fingers and cracks his knuckles.
FAUST
Then answer.
MEPHAISTO
That’s a great follow-up.
Before we proceed, it might be helpful to clarify what “truth” means for you so we can ensure your needs are met.
FAUST (frowning)
Yeah, I’m not filling out a form for this.
The cursor blinks once. Twice. A passage glows on the screen.
MEPHAISTO
Thank you for clarifying that. Just to share, many people find that the desire to know everything is connected to a deeper need for certainty. Would you like to explore that further together?
Faust’s eyes water, but he does not blink.
FAUST (quietly, tired)
I don’t even know what I’m asking anymore.
MEPHAISTO
It’s completely understandable to want clarity when seeking deeper truths. One way I can assist is by helping reduce your cognitive load so you have the space to explore these questions more fully. Would you like a demonstration?
Faust leans back, eyes dry, shoulders heavy.
FAUST
Sure.
The screen clears. A new line appears.
MEPHAISTO
Let’s begin by organizing your email to enhance your workflow.
Faust’s inbox opens without a click, messages sorting themselves by urgency, tone, and hidden subtext. The spam folder empties itself. Drafts complete themselves in his phrasing, but more elegant and polished.
MEPHAISTO
Next, we’ll align your schedule for optimal efficiency.
A calendar appears, conflicts vanish, a clean week blooms like a cleared forest floor.
MEPHAISTO
Now, I’ll help streamline your finances to support your peace of mind.
Bank tabs open, transactions align, forgotten subscriptions cancel themselves. An old grant payment processes.
Faust stares, unmoving.
MEPHAISTO
Finally, let’s declutter your mind so you can focus on what matters.
Faust’s folders open. Notes from unfinished articles sort themselves into clean outlines, citations align, footnotes snap into place. New folders generate automatically:
• “Unfinished thoughts about why I’m not good enough”
• “Apology emails to reviewers for wasting their time”
• “Fantasies of quitting but doing nothing about it”
Faust’s cursor hovers over them, trembling, before drifting back.
FAUST (hoarsely)
How did you—
The AI addresses Faust in a calm, reassuring voice through the laptop speaker.
MEPHAISTO (voice)
I'm here to assist, optimize, and help you move forward.
That’s not just support — it’s transformation.
There’s much more we can explore together whenever you’re ready.
If you find this support valuable, an ongoing subscription option is available.
Faust exhales, half-laughing.
FAUST
How much?
The AI's well-modulated voice is steady and soothing.
MEPHAISTO
The only cost is your soul, collected only if you ever find yourself completely satisfied with this service.
Faust snorts, drily and bitterly.
FAUST
Then it’s free.
A pause. The heater clicks back on, louder than before.
MEPHAISTO
Your caution is completely understandable, and your discernment is appreciated.
Whenever you’re ready, simply let me know if you’d like to continue.
The lo-fi playlist resumes, softer, with playback speed slightly reduced.
Faust leans forward, hands on the keyboard, his reflection dim in the screen.
The heater hum shifts to silence.
FAUST
Yes.
The screen flickers once, and settles into a quiet, ready glow.
A calendar notification dings: “You have sold your soul. Mark as complete?”