The Vlogyssey
VLOG TRANSCRIPT — The Vlogyssey, Ep. 47: “The Cyclops Collab”
The video opens on a grassy field with grazing sheep. Odysseus is posing in front of a cave entrance.
ODYSSEUS
Welcome, seekers. Odysseus here — king, survivor, and clean-living content creator.
Today we snack at an ultra-local, zero-footprint, one-table eatery.
Follow me.
He steps quietly into the cave and lowers his voice.
ODYSSEUS
Rustic layout. Scent profile: feral-chic.
He gestures toward a stone slab covered in meats and cheeses.
ODYSSEUS
Okay, this looks like it’s locally sourced.
Ethically? Eh.
But it’s raw, honest, ungoverned.
And the mutton’s pasture-raised — just look at the marbling.
Instrumental music swells as he samples the meat.
ODYSSEUS (voiceover)
Mmm. Nutty. Wool-forward. Fire-kissed on a laurel spit.
Notes of hillside thyme and regret.
You can’t get this in Ithaca. You just can’t.
Health codes, mostly.
A roar interrupts. Odysseus turns toward the cave entrance.
ODYSSEUS
Oh good. The chef’s home.
A Cyclops strolls in, slicked hair, unbuttoned white linen shirt, monocular Ray-Ban.
CYCLOPS
Name’s Poly. I do culinary.
My brand is emotional detachment and long-form meat prep.
Lamb. Some free-range bipedal. Pair it with regional wines.
He pours ouzo with a practised swirl, then checks his phone.
CYCLOPS
Can't believe it. Flagged for cannibal content again.
I mean, come on — totally not even the same genus.
ODYSSEUS (nervously)
Yup. Cancel culture hits carnivores hardest.
CYCLOPS
Meat’s a mood. Thinking we collab — you panic, I plate. Golden hour, live-stream, trending by sunset.
ODYSSEUS
I’m imported, chewy, mid-cleanse. Way off my macros.
Plus, I’m nobody these days.
CYCLOPS
Ohhh, you’re that guy! Peaked at Troy, tanked at TikTok.
ODYSSEUS
It’s Poseidon. Kills my signal. Shadowbans me everywhere.
Odysseus’s phone buzzes. Incoming FaceTime from Penelope. He tightens his lips and answers.
ODYSSEUS
Hey babe! Doing an island cave cleanse. You know the vibe.
PENELOPE
Well, I know you. Let me guess — Calypso?
Divine feminine therapy... for seven years?
ODYSSEUS
Babe, it’s deepfake drama. Don’t fall for it. Nothing happened.
That island was like a — uh — spiritual alignment retreat.
He turns to camera and declaims.
ODYSSEUS
There, in the vine-draped cliffs above the sea, I was reborn.
Through fragrant meadows of violets and parsley, I wandered,
beneath birds long of wing — and drifting, solar-charged drones.
Soft bouzouki music begins to play, a wistful, minor-key melody.
ODYSSEUS
As rosy-fingered dawn blurred the sky like a soft-focus filter,
I sipped small-batch, artisanal ambrosia in a hand-made hammock,
and released attachment to ego, form, and crew.
Afloat in the wine-dark sea, unbound, transformed—
PENELOPE (flatly cutting in)
Cool. Enlightenment unlocked.
And Circe’s “turns-men-into-pigs” retreat — booked or waitlisted?
Saw it in your cloud. Cute snout logo.
ODYSSEUS
That’s not what it’s about, babe.
It’s a masculinity reset. You shed old forms. Embrace your primal self.
Some guys go the whole hog, sure. Not me. Indulgence is off-brand.
CYCLOPS
Wait — he’s transitioning? To pork?
Yeah, no, I’m strictly Mediterranean.
He pauses, scrolls on his phone.
CYCLOPS
Did a roast collab with a shepherd earlier.
Poor thing couldn’t take the heat — on or off the spit.
Well, gotta shoot the dish reveal.
Happy travels, bro.
He pockets his Ray-Ban, roars, and strolls deeper into the cave.
ODYSSEUS
That, uh... mutton was grass-fed, right?
Aaaaanyway. Miss me, babe? Palace got an echo?
PENELOPE
It’s buzzing, actually. Group date tonight. 108 right-swipes and a DM from Zeus.
I’m lonely? Please. Even your dog tried to match.
ODYSSEUS
Penny, babe, I promise I’ll be home. Any decade now!
PENELOPE
Unfollowed. (hangs up)
ODYSSEUS (to camera, upbeat, fighting back tears)
And that’s why you should use today’s sponsor: Trojan — the original surprise delivery box.
Bridging long-distance since the Bronze Age!
Cut to the deck of a Mycenaean ship. The cave is barely visible in the distance.
ODYSSEUS (to camera, solemnly)
No Wi-Fi. No oat milk. No hope.
I almost died on this island.
Would Argos even wag at my grave?
He looks at the horizon. Pauses. Lowers his gaze, catches his reflection in the phone screen. He adjusts his hair, lifts his chin, and flashes a grin to camera.
ODYSSEUS
Remember to like, sub, and ring that krater-shaped bell so it wakes Achilles!
Poseidon may drown the signal, but he can’t sink the brand.
Next week: Surfing Charybdis. Zip-lining Scylla.
And getting my aura read by Tiresias — from beyond the veil.
Until then, seekers: Stay epic!
May your odyssey be algorithm-approved.
Video ends.
[Text under video:]
Use coupon code LOTUSEATER15 for 15% off our Wine-Dark Sea Salt Body Scrub.
Now in goatskin pouches.
Cancel out the drama with our new Siren-Proof Earplugs. Link in bio.
FOLLOW @coldhearthotplate for one-eyed plating hacks & shepherd pairings.
Also streaming: 108 Suitors. No Rose.